Blasting music

I’m sitting in the day room on my new laptop, blasting Rage Against The Machine in to my headphones!

I’m pretty speechless.

I went out to the mall today instead of my dad and his wife picking me up and going to the city.

I woke up at 5am in half-panic attack mode. Crying. I had really vivid dreams. One with my grandmother in (she’s deceased) which seemed so real it’s almost like she really came to me in my dream or something.

Decided not to go out with my dad and wife because I’m just not up to it. A long day out.

So I went to the local mall by myself and treated myself to a couple of things. I got hair dye (dark brown – My hair is medium brown), a body spray vanilla scented, clear nail varnish, and some other necessities like mouthwash.

I’m trying to do some nice things like this to somehow make my life worth living.

Went to a coffee shop in the mall, took my new laptop – Sat there for a while pondering what to do.

Got back in touch with a best friend I had in England in my high school. Haven’t been in touch with her for some years. Told her about my hospitalization. She told me about the guy she’s engaged to, that she’s been with for many years now.

Got back to the hospital.

Unpacked my things.

Now just sitting here pondering life. I don’t know if I want to live this life. I don’t see a place for myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. No dreams or aspirations.

Got my purchases, on my new laptop, all for what?

Random words

At least, things have gotten that ‘much better’ over the last few weeks that ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) hasn’t been needed to come up in conversation again. That was really starting to freak me out. I know that ECT is safe and I wasn’t getting freaked out because ‘AHHH, they zap your brain!’, I was just stressing out that things would have to come to that. After all of these months (year and a half) of things getting just worse and worse, and imagining it coming down to me having ECT. I prefer not.

I think the medications are doing what they can do, along with the intensive therapy I am in, everything is doing what it should be doing. But I never would have expected it to take such time. I think more than anything, ‘time is a healer’, seriously, I think that just time passing has been the key. Things got worse before they got better, a lot worse, and then now things are ever so slowly gradually getting better. Amongst the times that I am still feeling terrible, I can still see that the worse times are less worse than the times before and the better times, well, they’re still not so great, just about OK.

I am living  my life at the moment due to the fact that I am putting my trust in people around me that are telling me to trust in the process. As much as I’d like to say that I don’t have reason to live etc, I think that I actually do have reason to live. But that statement still doesn’t make things much better or easier for me. I still don’t see my place in this world, my life, where I am going and what I’m going to do with it. It’s a feeling of being trapped, that is so overwhelming. Like I can’t ‘win’ either way.

I think what’s the point of me living if I’m not going to make the most out of life. If I kill myself then what was the point of that? Just a wasted life. BUT, once again, I cannot see what I am going to do with my life, even be in on a day-to-day basis, I’m not content. I refuse to just drift along in life being hardly content and suffering. All of this is a real battle. And I don’t think there are any answers to all of my many questions. Life just seems something that a majority of people do which includes a 9-5 job, marriage, kids, holidays, commitments, social life, paying the bills… Do I want that? I just don’t know. I don’t think so. I just hate the monotonicity of it all.

It’s all a mix-mash of good and bad. That’s life I guess, right?

How long is a piece of string? (I know)

How long and what is going to get me out of this depressed mind-set? I am trying to get out of it. Could it last forever? Should the medications be taking more of an edge off than they already are? ECT? It’s been spoken about. How crazy and snowballed can things get?

The ‘depressed mind-set’ I am talking about is what I always talk about, my broken record talk. LIFE. WHAT? WHEN? HOW? WHY? The reason I am living is because I am trusting the people around me who are saying to continue and trust in this process, that I will get better.

It’s tough, because I never had a time in my life where I was happy and content. So I’ve got nothing to base life on, happiness on. I honestly don’t see the point of living. Some people would say that it’s so they can have a family, some people say that they want to be a famous as possible, some people say that their career is what drives them in life. But nothing drives me.

I’m stuck in a place of being depressed and see no goodness around me about life. Do I just need to carry on and wait for this to change?

I’m trying to take small steps at a time. Live in and accept the moment right now for what it is, I understand the concept of all of this, but I have been unable to succeed in this.

I don’t know what to do with myself and it feels like nobody can help me with that. It feels like I have my head screwed on but maybe I haven’t? I feel like I’m being rational but I’m obviously not, right?

I’m a depressed person that is still thinking about suicide. How long can one go on like this before they decide to give up?

This will pass

Really groggy and out of it this morning. Tired. I don’t know why. I slept my usual sleep of about 7 hours with a 30 minute wake-up from 5-5.30am.

Again, I’m just waiting for it to pass. And once again, it seems like an impossibility that that’s going to happen. I feel like I’m stuck in this blurred out, zoned out body of mine.

I can’t stop yawning and my eyes are watering like crazy.

Mood-wise, I’m feeling pretty sucky. Once again, I have my morning blues. Trying to see how I can turn this around.

I’ll be going to my psyciatrist today to get permission to leave the hospial tomorrow so that I can go to my sister’s. My psychiatrist is going to ask me a ton of questions as to how I am feeling, in order to see if I am well enough to go out of the hospital for the day. I guess I’ll be honest, there is nothing to hide really that will stop me from being able to leave. I’m not having suicidal thoughts or thoughts about hurting myself. It’s just my anxiety which is the issue. And I can’t let that stop me from going out of the hospital. I hope she won’t see that as an issue that would stop me from going out.

I’m not a fan of Tuesday’s in the hospital. It started off with a literal army drill of changing bed sheets day. All guns blazing. 7am, nurses coming in to our room, yelling at us to wake up to change our sheets. Turning on the light, leaving the door wide open so we will be woken up by the sounds outside and so that they can yell in to our room every time they walked past our room. “Quiet Borderline and Michelle, UP NOW!”. Nothing like waking up on a Tuesday to the sounds and sights of that.

Then it is my ‘duty day’ in the program I am in in the hospital, where I have to either do all of the washing up from breakfast or lunch time and generally clean up. It’s not a fun job! So, I strolled over for breakfast and then did all the washing up and stuff.

Then there is Psychodrama group therapy. My worst nightmare! Get in to groups of 3 and choose which animal you want to be, and act it out. OK, can just about do that. But I wish that I understood the reason behind doing these seemingly silly things. I don’t feel like it does anything for me.

Then I open up a second hand clothes shop by myself in the afternoon for an hour. I hate to moan (believe it or not) but it’s a boring task to have to do.

Then my ex-American roommate who left the hospital the other week and I usually go to the library in the afternoon and go on our laptops. She used to run the library when she was hospitalized here. So, it’s a pity that I don’t have that to do in the afternoon. I just go between lunch and resting, then clothes store and resting, then kicked out of our rooms at 4pm and being in the uncomfortable day room. However, one plus is that there are no electricity sockets in the day room, might sound like a bad thing, but no, I have a new laptop that has 3 1/2 -4 hours of battery life once fully charged. So no electricity sockets needed. My old laptop just died on me. Not just the battery went, but the fan and it kept on freezing. So I treated myself (a big treat) to a new red hot sexy Dell laptop which I am really happy with.

I’m currently in the art room typing this and it’s just before 11am. They have some patients here doing some work, packing up boxes of baking sheets. They have a coffee break at 11am, and I sneekily sneak in and get in on the coffee and biscuits! But the truth be told, the manager lets me and doesn’t let others!

Now I’m back from my coffee break, I guess that I’ll have to admit for the first time in my life that caffeine really works! Felling quiet a bit better now.

Just couldn’t find my psychiatrist, that’s the only thing!

‘This will pass” “This will pass” ‘This will pass” “This will pass” ‘This will pass” “This will pass” ‘This will pass” “This will pass”

I’m trying.