Reblogged from Metacomedy by Jester Levity:

You know that moment when you discover you, and probably at least a few of your friends, used to have, or still have, BPD? My moment happened to be on the radio. I’m the wingman on a monthly morning show called Happe Talk on KJFK in Reno. The special guest for the hour on this last show was Dr. Ed Lynn, Psychiatrist. In the beginning of this episode, host Michele Happe and Ed listed the 9 symptoms of BPD, and my mind was going: Check, check, check. I wasn’t sure whether it was more shocking to realize …

Reblogged from Returning Home To Myself:

I really like this picture. It at least affirms to me that I’m trying because I am certainly never sat on the bottom two steps. I thought I’d share it with you all ~ perhaps it will help you to see how hard you are trying/working on things. Lucy xxx

The hospital is reasonably quiet which I am happy about. Even though something just happened at lunchtime that was a bit off-putting. A guy just all of a sudden jumped up from eating, span himself around and fell on the table screaming. I’m not sure what that was all about! He said he had a dizzy head so am not sure why he has the inclination to jump up, spin around and fall back down again! Anyway, glad that is hopefully over and the guy is OK. I guess this is the kind of stuff that happens in psychiatric hospitals! Pretty used to it after being here for over a year now.

In a way, I like the weekends and in a way, I don’t. I do because Saturday is the only day of the week where we are not rudely awoken in the morning by the nurses at 7am! So, even though I don’t manage to sleep in for a long time, I just lay there relaxing with my eyes closed for a couple of hours usually until it’s 12pm and lunch time. I don’t like the weekends because there is nothing to do. I end up going stir crazy and pace the corridors. That’s me not in a good way.

Asides from talking about the weekend ahead of me, I don’t have much to write about. I guess. I’m just not feeling too good or positive mentally. I have this big barrier up ahead of me stopping me from moving forward, the barrier in which I think that I don’t want to live. So everything seems pointless and stupid. I don’t have much of a will to live. Albeit, on the other hand, I don’t have any plans to do anything to end my life. I feel like I am hovering somewhere in between and it’s a really uncomfortable place to be in.

I’m sure a lot of people can relate to what I am saying. I’ve spoken to some other bloggers who are also stuck in the same mind-set. It’s tough.

I want the will to live, I want to find my own happiness and contentedness in life.

I want to live, I want to die, I feel both things at the same time. It’s so overwhelming and confusing, it really is. This battle in my mind. If only I could see the glass half full and not half empty. I think that would help for starters.

I met with my psychiatrist this morning and tried to put all of this in to words but she didn’t really say anything back. Just said about raising possibly the Prozac. We said that we’ll see how I feel until the end of this week and then make a decision about that.

I stopped taking the Clozapine at night to help me sleep. I knew that something was making me feel groggy in the morning, tried 2 days without it and I feel much better. The grogginess wasn’t doing much for my mood either. I always feels worse in the mornings and then feel better in the afternoon, but think that the Clozapine had something to do with bringing me down even more. I’ve been a lot clearer headed the last 2 days since stopping it. I told my psychiatrist that I stopped taking it and she said OK. Luckily she is pretty open to things like this. If I feel like something is doing me better or could be doing me better, she’s open to adjusting it.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Just carry on this process and believe in it all? I’m either not sure that this process is going to work for me and help me, or I feel like I haven’t got the energy for it. I honestly don’t know if this hospitalization and rehabilitation program is going to help me. It’s difficult to see after I’ve been in the hospital for over a year now with what seems to me, making little progress.

It’s really dumb. As much as I say I don’t want to live, I really don’t think I c0uld ever do ‘it’. So, then what am I moping around for? It’s silly. I’m just wasting my life away in being depressed. But I can’t snap out of it, as much as I try. Do I just need to give it more time? I will flip that switch one day?

I’m pretty speechless.

I went out to the mall today instead of my dad and his wife picking me up and going to the city.

I woke up at 5am in half-panic attack mode. Crying. I had really vivid dreams. One with my grandmother in (she’s deceased) which seemed so real it’s almost like she really came to me in my dream or something.

Decided not to go out with my dad and wife because I’m just not up to it. A long day out.

So I went to the local mall by myself and treated myself to a couple of things. I got hair dye (dark brown – My hair is medium brown), a body spray vanilla scented, clear nail varnish, and some other necessities like mouthwash.

I’m trying to do some nice things like this to somehow make my life worth living.

Went to a coffee shop in the mall, took my new laptop – Sat there for a while pondering what to do.

Got back in touch with a best friend I had in England in my high school. Haven’t been in touch with her for some years. Told her about my hospitalization. She told me about the guy she’s engaged to, that she’s been with for many years now.

Got back to the hospital.

Unpacked my things.

Now just sitting here pondering life. I don’t know if I want to live this life. I don’t see a place for myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. No dreams or aspirations.

Got my purchases, on my new laptop, all for what?